Signs Your Drinking Too Much Coffee
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you
- You ski uphill
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
- You speed walk in your sleep
- You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
- You answer the door before people knock
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse
- You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
- You sleep with your eyes open
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer
- You lick your coffeepot clean
- You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
- You chew on other people's fingernails
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
- Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet
- You can jump-start your car without cables
- Cocaine is a downer
- All your kids are named "Joe."
- You don't need a hammer to pound in nails
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate
- You buy milk by the barrel
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them
- Charles Manson thinks YOU need to calm down
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
- People get dizzy just watching you
- When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp
- You're so wired, you pick up FM radio
- People can test their batteries in your ears
- Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
- Instant coffee takes too long
- You channel surf faster without a remote
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
- You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison
- You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer
- You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
- You get drunk just so you can sober up
- You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson
- Your Thermos is on wheels
- Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny
- You short out motion detectors
- You have a conniption over spilled milk
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment
- You don't tan, you roast
- You don't get mad, you get steamed
- Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after
- Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood
- You can't even remember your second cup
- You help your dog chase its tail
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight
- Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London
- You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
- You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
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