Signs Your Drinking Too Much Coffee

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you
  2. You ski uphill
  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
  4. You speed walk in your sleep
  5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
  6. You answer the door before people knock
  7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse
  8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit
  9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
  10. You sleep with your eyes open
  11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward
  12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake
  13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer
  14. You lick your coffeepot clean
  15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
  16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there
  17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week
  18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
  19. You chew on other people's fingernails
  20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
  21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
  22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas
  23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet
  24. You can jump-start your car without cables
  25. Cocaine is a downer
  26. All your kids are named "Joe."
  27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails
  28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  29. You don't sweat, you percolate
  30. You buy milk by the barrel
  31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug
  32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
  33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in
  34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them
  35. Charles Manson thinks YOU need to calm down
  36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
  37. People get dizzy just watching you
  38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
  39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table
  40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
  41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house
  42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp
  43. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio
  44. People can test their batteries in your ears
  45. Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
  46. Instant coffee takes too long
  47. You channel surf faster without a remote
  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life
  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
  52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison
  53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
  54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer
  55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  56. You get drunk just so you can sober up
  57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson
  58. Your Thermos is on wheels
  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug
  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny
  62. You short out motion detectors
  63. You have a conniption over spilled milk
  64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore
  65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale
  66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment
  67. You don't tan, you roast
  68. You don't get mad, you get steamed
  69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after
  70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood
  71. You can't even remember your second cup
  72. You help your dog chase its tail
  73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight
  74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London
  75. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
  76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

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